Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sober Six Months!

Today marks my six month anniversary. I will be honest, there is still a long road to go with respect to my recovery, but at the same time my life has changed immeasurably. When I first stopped drinking, I made a list of truths about my drinking. I published part of it early on, but there were items I was too embarrassed to admit; today I'm ready to share the full list:
  1. I feel possessive about alcohol and always try to ensure I get my share.
  2. I sneak drinks to hide how much I drink.
  3. I hide bottles in old purses around the house.
  4. I promise a specific limit and always break the promise.
  5. I always want more than one glass.
  6. I drive sometimes, even if I'm close to the limit (I never really knew, maybe I was over...)
  7. I slur when I read books to my daughter at night.
  8. I black out.
  9. I pick fights when I'm drunk and don't remember them.
  10. I cannot remember tucking in the kids.
  11. I drink to overcome a hangover.
  12. I feel self-loathing, regret and disappointment all the time.
  13. I can't concentrate on anything at work because I feel so bad.
  14. I will drink anything with alcohol in it, even if it tastes awful.
  15. I avoid social situations so that I can drink.
  16. I keep my kids out of evening activities so that I can drink.
  17. I avoid people who don't drink.
  18. I drink every day.
  19. I promised I would stop drinking after I cut myself, but drink as much as I did before.
  20. I pat myself on the back for taking a day off.
  21. I drink less when people are around so they don't know how much I drink.
  22. I plan my day around getting the first drink.
  23. I rush my kids through their bedtime routine so I can drink.
  24. I wake up in the morning and don't remember anything past dinner (sometimes I don't remember dinner).
  25. I don't dream.
  26. I have the shakes in the morning.
  27. I have continual night sweats.
  28. I believe my marriage will fall apart if I quit drinking.
This list puts my drinking in stark relief. I go back to it now and again to remind  myself how it was... all the time and it keeps me from considering that first drink.

I really never thought I'd get here, to six months, but now that I'm here, I feel such gratitude that if the list above was a checklist, I would score zero.

Thanks so much for reading. Knowing you are out there, and understand all of this, has been an incredible support for me.

Next step: stop isolating!

9 comments:

  1. Congratulations on six months! So thrilled for you!

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  2. YooHoo!!!!! Congrats! I hope you do something really really nice for yourself today! You rock!

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  3. Congratulations from the bottom of my sober heart. Please don't ever delete that list. It's why I wrote Old Realities By The Minute and find that re-reading it keeps me right size.

    I'm so happy for you!

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  4. Congratulations!!! That list is very powerful and could have been written for me. Thank you for your honesty. At only 38 days sober and struggling, you have given me the inspiration and determination to get through this day without drinking. Thank you!

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  5. Thanks so much everyone. I'm so happy I discovered such a wonderful community of sober women - you keep me strong.

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  6. Congratulations!!!!! What an amazing list. I wish I had made one early on as well to see how far I have become. Keep it up my friend, your first year will be here before you know it!!

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  7. Just came across your blog, and wanted to congratulate you on getting to six months. What an accomplishment, and a huge gift to yourself and the people who love you. Hang in here/there, recovery is going to be the ride of your life. In a good way. And that...is a promise. Hugs to you.

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  8. love this list. so honest! glad to have found your blog.

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