Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Feel Bad About My Post

Not because what I wrote was untrue. When I look into my heart it is true. Where I tie myself in knots about it is because of the awareness of the choices I made at each juncture that resulted in the relationship I now have with my husband. Forgiveness and understanding are key to peace and I can forgive him for the actions that have hurt me. (I haven't yet...but I am working through it.) Where I get stumped is in the knowledge that I must also take responsibility for my own actions and forgive myself. It is true that I conceded miles to maintain the inches. I took the expedient action to keep the peace, without considering the longer range implications. I have tried to manage and control my family so that the immediate pain could be smoothed over.

We do not exist in a vaccuum. Our actions and reactions influence the actions and reactions of those around us. Theirs do too. Many of the feelings and responses I have are predicated on the coping skills I learned as a child growing up in an alcoholic home. I feel a visceral fear when I'm around people who are drunk, particularly men. When I drank too, I found courage and felt invincible. I was able to ignore and shape shift. I began to apply this "secret weapon" in other circumstances and I found it worked there too. I kept broadening its application until I was drinking to deal with every single thing that came up in my life. Feelings of self-loathing: drink, job insecurity: drink, sadness: drink, disappointment: drink, tiredness: drink. I'm sure you know what I mean. And suddenly I was consumed. This is my part. I am responsible for the effects of my own evasion.

This self-forgiveness thing is tricky. It is tempting to drown in guilt of regrettable decisions. I know this is not the true path to forgiveness. Acceptance is key. Feeling worthy seems significant as well. It's a difficult place to seek when you are used to beating yourself up all the time. Anyway, I do realize it's essential and am on the path - just still looking for markers.

1 comment:

  1. It is alright to vent! Those of us who read your blog understand this. It isn't like you are on the pity pot, you are just getting your frustrations out.

    Something which has helped me with self forgiveness is; getting rid of shaming words.Whether I speak them out loud or in my head. I was raised with shame and used in like a sledgehammer against myself. With mindful practice I am able to catch myself when I do this, acknowledge how unhealthy it is for me and move on. Yes I did some really crappy things when drinking, I regret them but don't dwell on them or shame myself about them. I am different today, today I can correct attitudes which keep me sick if I am spiritually healthy. One day at a time I never have to go back to the old person who hurt others and himself.

    Breath all will be well!!


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