I've been struggling lately - feeling distinctly out of sorts and tired. Not sick. Well, not exactly sick anyway. Just tired and grouchy. It's affecting everything from my writing and paid work to my running. I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog. When this happens I tend to add to the problem through copious amounts of self-blame and a few metaphorical slaps. I also eat candy. Lots and lots of it. (Do I eat candy because I'm down? Or am I down because I eat candy?)
Little by little, I lose sight of the many positive things that happen every day. I struggle to "snap out of it" and can't. It could be the end of a long winter. On the other hand, this winter wasn't so bad, so maybe the weather has nothing to do with it. I could be PMSing, though I can't remember when I'm supposed to get my period, so this may be unlikely. It could be that I'm running too much, or not enough. And like this, I select various causes and test them out. As each is rejected (either because it is illogical, or because this knowledge does nothing to make me feel better) I sink just a little bit deeper.
Anyway, it occurred to me early this morning that part of the problem is that in my current frame of mind I am not taking time to be grateful for the many blessings in my life. Instead, I'm so focused on slogging through my day, worried about outcomes, worried that I'll never snap out of it, that my attention has been completely mislaid. By focusing on the negative, on what I can't do, I don't have energy left for what I can do.
So I'm going to go back to gratitude lists and hope that the fog lifts.
I know the secret to me being happy is to accept what I have and be grateful and appreciative. But then I feel stagnant or bored or burnt out or depressed and I can't feel those things, even if I want to. I find I need constant breaks in routine or even hobbies. And winter, mild or not, is still less sunlight and life. And yeah, PMS...PMS is wicked since I stopped drinking or maybe I'm just feeling it now. Hang in there. Things will change...they will get better.
ReplyDeleteYou have precisely described how I've been feeling. It's the "I can't feel those things, even if I want to." part that drives me nuts. I'm so used to manipulating my own emotions that when I hit a rut and cannot pull myself out of it there's a part of me that panics.
DeleteAhhhhh...gratitude. I'm looking for some, too, for the very same reasons. (Ice cream is my sugar support system for the time being.) It's all to easy to shift my focus from being grateful to feeling victimized by my intense pre-menopausal PMS, which is a bitch I have to add, and to the paths I have chosen that have been circuitous and challenging. But all I have to do is get up each day and look at my sweet 7 1/2 year old who does his darnedest to make me laugh, and is quite good at it, to remember how important it is for me to stop and be in the moment - at least to start the day being present and grateful. I don't always do it obviously, but when I do the day seems to unfold in a way that makes me, well, feel more gratitude. Thanks for the reminder. Christine
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder. It really is about staying in the moment and not getting too far ahead of ourselves.
DeleteThis is a good reminder about gratitude. I hope you will be feeling more like yourself soon!
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