I just inadvertently published a blank post. Crap. It's ironic because I was just thinking about how intently I'm avoiding writing about my feelings. I have successfully evaded writing in my journal for months at a time. I decided to write a post about this very issue and then published a blank page. Hmm.. less interesting when I describe it - sort of like explaining the punchline to a joke kills the funny.
Anyway. It looks like we'll be moving cities (and country) again to go back to California. I feel a deep sense of love & hate about this move. I will be happy to leave snow and winter behind. I will be sad to leave the mountains. I guess that's it. I'm not sure what I'm doing. It brings back so many memories that were unhappy for me. It takes me back to the lack of work-life balance and to the stress of racing to keep up. I'm hopeful that I will be able to find some kind of balance, now that I know more than I did then.
Part of the fear comes from the many moves we made when I was growing up. I can clearly remember one of the last moves we made as a family. My dad was drinking heavily at the time and my parents were both in the bar most nights, leaving me home alone with my brothers. I was twelve. I didn't want to move. My (alcoholic) uncle told me the move would be a good thing, because it would mean less stress for my dad. His drinking would improve. The move came on the heels of at least two dui's and my dad's downward spiral at work. I didn't believe my uncle. And I was right. My dad drank more (if possible) after the move than he'd done before. Our home life spiraled out of control as my parents brought their drinking home with them.
I fear this move for the same reason. I don't want to be stuck out there in a new city without any support, living on a visa, trapped if my husband decides to start drinking again. That said, I know he could start here too. I know we only ever get today. I know that this is probably the right move for me anyway, independent of anything else - more opportunity for a better job, especially, but it still terrifies the hell out of me.
Hitting publish to get rid of the dead air space up there.