It took a while to finally figure out what I want (and I wish I was better at making decisions), but I finally did decide about that job. I realized that it would mean taking on a role I no longer enjoy with some hope that my role would change. Given the size of the company, it would have been unlikely. A few years ago I would have jumped for it in the hopes that it would work out. I would have been so desperate to leave my current job that I wouldn't have considered what I was going to. Change would have been enough.
Thankfully, this time I was in a better position to work through the options and to see that where I am now offers greater strategic opportunities than the position offered. It's no where near perfect. But I do have the flexibility to grow and learn. I will take advantage of that. Also, now that I know what I want, I'll know if something better comes along. I feel like I've finally found clarity around my career goals and objectives. I finally know (in a vague way at least) what I'm looking for.
I meant to write sooner, but we went skiing and there wasn't any coverage. It was surprising to be really away. And although the trip was exhausting and it squeezes the time we have for Christmas planning, it was really nice to get away.
Three days ago I saw a woman buying a case of beer at 8:30am. She was in her pajamas and her slippers. There was nothing else in her cart. She looked just like me, although I would have also filled my cart with a bunch of other stuff to cover the real purpose of my trip. It made me hope she would find peace. At the same time I fought judgement. Not because I never drank in the morning, but because I was more of a boy scout drinker - I almost never ran out. It also made me wish we could carry AA business cards, or that we were super heros who could swoop into the rescue. Lest you think I'm a total cow, I was buying cigarettes and saw that we were sisters in addiction.
This school shooting really threw me. The photos of the children especially remind me of how fragile our safety is. I always assume my kids are safe when I leave them at school (despite some bullying a few years ago that clearly demonstrates school hasn't changed much since I was a kid). Who shoots kids? Seriously. There have been too many events over the past six months that suggest we should home school and wrap them up in bullet proof blankets. Writing that, I remember that there are a lot of kids who aren't even safe in their own homes. It's distressing. And sometimes it feels like nothing can be done.
Finally, I seem to have picked up some low-level bug on the ski trip. I haven't been able to run without doggedly dragging myself through every mile for the past two weeks.It sucks, but instead of wishing for what I think should be, I'm taking a break. I hope I start to feel better, because it really sucks to feel so tired and out of sorts.