Saturday, December 1, 2012

Dearest Blog

It has been months since I've written regularly. I am still sober. Some days have flown by, so I have not written. Other days have dragged on endlessly without respite, but I've had nothing to say. I have occasionally decided that I would no longer write here, that the muse that drove my sharing had gone on to do other things. I've also considered starting (and have gone so far as to create) another blog not tied to my experience as an alcoholic.

Something keeps me here in this limbo. Something prevents me from walking away altogether. It is the incredible community and support I've found here. I don't know if anyone is still around, per se. I hope so, because I plan to write again more frequently. I need the opportunity to share what I'm going through, even when it's not much, because I don't want to find myself in a situation where I forget where I came from. Where it seems okay to have a glass of wine because it's Tuesday.

I also miss you guys. I miss the wisdom I find in the comments. I miss the sense of belongingness that comes from talking to other alcoholics. It's funny here, because no one knows I am an alcoholic. I am alien to them because I don't ever drink (and probably also because I run and ride my bike everywhere), but it never seems appropriate to say why I don't drink. In Canada I never worried about the negative connotations suggested by the word alcoholic. Here, it seems too ugly a word to say to people I've just met. It's difficult enough to say that we only have one car because our other car is stuck in Canada with my dad and we cannot buy a new one until he sells that one. This is a very driver-centric place. Hopefully they just think Canadians are weird.

Running is the one thing that's kept me sane and sober over the past three months. It is a place for checking out and putting in miles. While I'm out there I feel a bit like a super hero. The words "I am a runner" permeate my consciousness and make me go faster. When I get back from the run my fears about my career, paying the bills, and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life are quiet for a while.

I am finally ready to write again. Fingers crossed that I'll have something worth reading.

11 comments:

  1. Hello fellow Canadian. Thanks for not leaving. I too was contemplating the same a month or so ago. Something stopped me as well, I just felt like I would lose all the things I had the courage to share. You're right, there is such a strange community feel to writing in a blog, sharing with hundreds of complete strangers. I was talking with a girlfriend last night and I told her how I discovered a love of writing and that I would maybe want to pursue further education on the topic, pursue the joy in which writing gives me. I only discovered this through writing on my blog to be honest. Here's the real kicker, she asked if I would send her a link so she could follow my blog and I told her no, its only for strangers. Is that not crazy? I just couldn't imagine her knowing all the things I have the courage to share on here. I just shudder at the thought. Please stay, we need you and you need us - take care

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    1. There are only three people in my real life who have the link to my blog. Three very trusted people who aren't deeply in my day-to-day life (and I often forget they might be reading). I think I'd be completely silenced if my family read any of this stuff. Sometimes it bothers me that all of this work is anonymous - I'd also like to expand my writing life and it sure would be great to be able to reference this blog in support of my writing experience. At the same time, I've already said too much.

      I'm so happy you've decided to keep writing and that you find so much joy as a result. Thanks for reading.

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  2. If you do leave, just let me know where you go. I would miss you if you disappeared forever.

    If you are in California, then they are the weird ones. I can say that, because I am from there. I love my home state, but they are very...um...I don't know exactly lol. Different, I guess.

    Kristin

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    1. I promise I'll let you know where I go if I leave. For now, I think I'm back. It's important to be here - I get so much out of your comments (and your blog!) that I don't want to lose touch. I'm not even sure why I stopped writing, only that I just couldn't do it.

      Californians are weird. It can be so stressful to be the center of the universe, you know!

      Thank you for reading my ramblings.

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  3. So happy you're ready to write again. I've tried twice to start a different blog but something keeps drawing me back to the first. And the first is only there because of you dear Tara. Reading your blog made me think that it would be okay to share my feelings and experiences as well. And your encouragement when I reached out to you gave me the courage to keep writing. The difference it has made in my recovery has been nothing short of a miracle.

    So keep writing and I will always keep reading.

    Sherry (aka SoberMomRocks)

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    1. It warms my heart so much to hear that my blog got you writing. It really does make such a big difference to have a platform for sharing. I always learn so much from your blog - so thank goodness you started writing.

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  4. I am right there with you! I just blogged for the first time in months myself. It feels good to blog again and to catch up on how others are doing. Glad you are doing well!

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  5. Welcome Back Tara! I have missed your posts, and hearing about the ways that you find a daily reprieve... running absolutely helps. since I last wrote, I have been struggling with a foot injury, a bone spur in my left big toes which has caused pain to radiate from my toe through the top of my foot. I went to the ortho and she gave my naprosin and told me to start a regime of osteo bi-flex, something people with arthritis need to take daily. My running has been scaled back considerably. I have not been able to run longer than 6 miles for weeks, and it has messed with my head. My eating has consequently raged out of control and I have been generally feeling pretty bad about myself. I also have not been attending as many meetings... hmmm a correlation perhaps? I have been isolating more and feeling sorry for myself. As I write this, I can see what a bad recipe this is for disaster. I don't want to drink, but what I have laid out is a lethal combination of decisions that could ultimately lead to a really bad one. So, I am grateful you have returned, and have given me the opportunity through your blog to speak my truth and correct my self beginning with more meetings and more reaching out. thanks for your post and please... keep comin back. :)

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    1. There's nothing like a niggling injury to throw running off track. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been knocked off your running schedule. Are you able to bike and swim still? Since I got sober I've really begun to notice how awful unhealthy eating makes me feel. Whenever I let healthful eating fall by the wayside because I'm feeling low, I end up feeling ever so much worse. Good for you for noticing the changes that are needed! Rest and be good to yourself.

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  6. I do a little happy dance whenever I see your posts come through in my email!

    I'm with Sherry, you are why I started blogging too and I will always be grateful for you. You could copy and paste from the dictionary- I would still read and enjoy. :)

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