It has been months since I've written regularly. I am still sober. Some days have flown by, so I have not written. Other days have dragged on endlessly without respite, but I've had nothing to say. I have occasionally decided that I would no longer write here, that the muse that drove my sharing had gone on to do other things. I've also considered starting (and have gone so far as to create) another blog not tied to my experience as an alcoholic.
Something keeps me here in this limbo. Something prevents me from walking away altogether. It is the incredible community and support I've found here. I don't know if anyone is still around, per se. I hope so, because I plan to write again more frequently. I need the opportunity to share what I'm going through, even when it's not much, because I don't want to find myself in a situation where I forget where I came from. Where it seems okay to have a glass of wine because it's Tuesday.
I also miss you guys. I miss the wisdom I find in the comments. I miss the sense of belongingness that comes from talking to other alcoholics. It's funny here, because no one knows I am an alcoholic. I am alien to them because I don't ever drink (and probably also because I run and ride my bike everywhere), but it never seems appropriate to say why I don't drink. In Canada I never worried about the negative connotations suggested by the word alcoholic. Here, it seems too ugly a word to say to people I've just met. It's difficult enough to say that we only have one car because our other car is stuck in Canada with my dad and we cannot buy a new one until he sells that one. This is a very driver-centric place. Hopefully they just think Canadians are weird.
Running is the one thing that's kept me sane and sober over the past three months. It is a place for checking out and putting in miles. While I'm out there I feel a bit like a super hero. The words "I am a runner" permeate my consciousness and make me go faster. When I get back from the run my fears about my career, paying the bills, and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life are quiet for a while.
I am finally ready to write again. Fingers crossed that I'll have something worth reading.