Saturday, April 28, 2012

655 Miles Later

I keep track of my runs online. At the moment, I'm actually using three different websites because each offers something that I find helpful. I just checked the overall statistics and realized that I've run more than 600 miles since I started all of this in September. It almost seems unbelievable and impossible. It does highlight how far we come if we continue to take small steps towards our goals. Running is nice because the measures are objective and the distance you've come is easy to visualize. Other changes in our lives can be much more difficult to analyze. I think that's one of the reasons I spent my first year obsessively counting my sober days and hours. It was a measure of how far I've come. Next week I'll have 20 months of sobriety. It feels really good to be sober. As with running, I've learned so much.

This is a fairly meandering post, but I did want to say that I love how running allows me to let go of the strains and stresses in my life. Where I once looked forward to a (large) glass of wine at the end of a difficult day, I now look forward to the run. Taking that time allows me to process and let go of the anxiety I sometimes cling to. There are big changes coming in my life and there will be much work to do as a result. I'm really glad I can rely on the run to recharge and keep going. Although it sounds like an escape (or an avoidance), what I often find is that I come back from a run knowing what I should do next - I know how I should deal with a difficult situation and feel confident about following through. Running gets rid of the jangly anxiety I'm prone to so that I can see more clearly.

The marathon approaches. I have four weeks. Two more long runs. At the moment, I'm praying I can finish and that I'm able to handle whatever arises.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Injuries and Running

After a full week off, I've been able to get back to running. The entire time I felt a deep sense of fear that (a) I would never heal well enough to run again, and (b) that my generally lazy approach to life would take over and I would never run again, even though physically I would be capable of doing so. I have started so many things in my life that I did not finish. My great fear was that this would be just another one of those things.

In the end, I felt such joy the first time out and was reminded of all of the reasons I run. I am taking it slow(ish) so that I don't re-injure myself before the marathon. It is interesting to make these small decisions based on a larger goal. It reminds me of getting sober (the part where you slog through the desire to drink now, because you want to be sober later). Because the marathon is in six weeks (did I mention I'm totally not prepared for it?) I have to be really cautious now - to find the balance between doing enough to finish, without pushing myself so much that I cannot start it.

I've also revised my goals. Initially, I had a secret goal of finishing it in less than four hours. I think I had a 50% shot at that. My training was going really well and I have been decreasing my mile times consistently. Given consistent training, I do think I'd have been able to come close. Now that I've missed three long runs, I just won't have the time to build my endurance to a point where I'll be able to run as fast as I'd need to. Now my goal is simply to finish. If I can do that, it will be more than enough.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ridiculous

I simply cannot believe how long it's been since I've written a post. Work and recovery from work has taken over my life. Full stop. Some days it seems there is no end in sight and I daydream about a nice relaxing vacation. I am tired, without passion, and feel like a total fuck up. My career is derailed and I am plagued by the sense that this is not what I should be doing with my life.

Hmm.

I also have managed to injure myself. I can't remember what it's called, but basically, my left heel hurts and I have a strained tendon on my inner left ankle. Unlike all of the other quirks I've experienced while running, this one hurts when I run. I've been off for three days. I miss it terribly. Part of me wants to run  anyway, but the stronger, smarter part of me knows that if I don't rest it, it will simply get worse and then I'll be off for weeks instead of days. Today I will try the elliptical or the exercise bike at the gym. I hope it helps me to calm down.

I have more to say on both topics, but today is still crazy. Mostly, I just wanted to say:"hey! I miss you all."
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