This not writing thing.
I do feel better now; my anxiety is gone. There are two reasons for this: first, everyone went back to school and work so I was able to get back into my regular routine. It's funny how much it matters now. Ellie wrote a beautiful post about this here, so I won't go on about that particular topic. I truly related to everything she put down there. Second, I was watching everyone else and focusing on how they felt, what they wanted, and that led me to forget to focus on my side of the street. It led me back to the space where I don't feel good enough and begin to pick away at my own self-esteem. Going back to work and getting back to the routine feels more comfortable and as a result I feel less stressed. I'm able to focus on my own side of the street without all of that awful anxiety. At the same time, I'm not really dealing with my tendency to freak out and worry that I'm not the person other people need me to be. I'm also not really reaching.
This also leads me inevitably to the the awareness that I'm not really working on my recovery. I'm clinging to my sobriety and hoping that nothing interrupts the comfortable life I'm lucky enough to have, but at the end of the day I'm still chasing my own tail. I'm still pushing down all of the shameful secrets and crossing my fingers and hoping I'll get through. It makes everything so very tentative and it means I'm filled with a lot of fear. It's all so unnecessary.
I realize now that I need to get back to working my program. I'm not sure what structure that will take, but I am sure it's time.