This not writing thing.
I do feel better now; my anxiety is gone. There are two reasons for this: first, everyone went back to school and work so I was able to get back into my regular routine. It's funny how much it matters now. Ellie wrote a beautiful post about this here, so I won't go on about that particular topic. I truly related to everything she put down there. Second, I was watching everyone else and focusing on how they felt, what they wanted, and that led me to forget to focus on my side of the street. It led me back to the space where I don't feel good enough and begin to pick away at my own self-esteem. Going back to work and getting back to the routine feels more comfortable and as a result I feel less stressed. I'm able to focus on my own side of the street without all of that awful anxiety. At the same time, I'm not really dealing with my tendency to freak out and worry that I'm not the person other people need me to be. I'm also not really reaching.
This also leads me inevitably to the the awareness that I'm not really working on my recovery. I'm clinging to my sobriety and hoping that nothing interrupts the comfortable life I'm lucky enough to have, but at the end of the day I'm still chasing my own tail. I'm still pushing down all of the shameful secrets and crossing my fingers and hoping I'll get through. It makes everything so very tentative and it means I'm filled with a lot of fear. It's all so unnecessary.
I realize now that I need to get back to working my program. I'm not sure what structure that will take, but I am sure it's time.
I know that feeling of picking away at self-esteem. You summarized what it is I go through sometimes - that focusing on myself sometimes is difficult. Easier to focus on others and play caregiver or martyr (an old habit of mine, at least). But what you said about fear is bang on - that is what drives us. Even anger is based in fear. So I have learned to deal with the fears first and foremost, as most things flow out of that. I sometimes do the opposite - work TOO much on my recovery and let life slide past. I forget that part of recovery is living life! But that too is based on fear. Either way, balance is the key.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing - gave me something to chew on.
Cheers :)
Thank you for pointing out the temptation to go to caregiver/martyr when things get uncomfortable. It's given me something to think about - perhaps I when I lost my routine I grabbed onto that old persona because it feels comfortable and allows me to escape the fear of spontaneity. I hadn't thought about it that way before.
DeleteI love seeing you in my blog roll...welcome back.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny (or serendipitous) that your blog popped up and then this one did... http://zenhabits.net/sticky/ It might help.
Sherry
That is an awesome link! Thank you for sharing it.
DeleteHi there! I have missed your posts.. does that help?? How's that for center-of -the universe, thinking! I do understand the idea that putting others needs before our own, we think, somehow makes us better humans. It really doesn't. Self care does, because in doing so, I am able to be more present to other in a genuine way, instead of one that is rooted in shoulds or musts. Routine is good, but distraction allows us to peel another layer back; sounds like you have!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. It does help to know that you miss my posts. I excuse myself for not writing because I'm convinced no one is reading...no one is reading because I have nothing interesting to say...etc.
DeleteI, too, notice when you are not posting and wonder if all is well. With not knowing you in real life, I just wonder and wait to see if you come back. And so far, you always have and for that I am grateful. Your blog often gives me pause. Makes me think after I have moved on to the next thing. Your work is valuable to me and I suspect to many others as well.
ReplyDelete