Saturday, November 9, 2013

Ahem...Is this thing on???

I had a running setback about a month ago - just two weeks before my first ultra race was scheduled. It's not serious to the extent that I should, in theory, be able to run again. It is serious to the extent that I haven't been able to run in about 6 weeks, excepting the three times I thought I'd try it out and see. The result was excruciating pain. I'm told it's IT Band. The strange thing is that I can't figure out what caused it - I didn't increase my training, change my patterns, or do anything specifically different. If anything, I've been running less and I was definitely feeling stronger. I'd dialed in my diet and managed to stay away from sugar and flour. For the first time, I felt like I was utilizing fat stores instead of running on sugar.

Since then I've been to doctor, chiropractor, and massage therapist. I've stretched. I've used the roller. I'm just hitting the point of panic and disbelief that I'll ever be able to go out and run off all of my anxiety and boredom and childish anger. I think longingly about going for a four hour run. I feel myself going crazy in my emotional stew pot. I feel my muscles and all of my hard-earned gains wasting away.

I've realized that running took care of quite a lot of my selfish alcoholic behavior and that without it, I may need to go back to AA. I may even do what I should have been doing all of this time and actually write more. It's not that I feel the urge to drink. I don't. I continue to feel deep gratitude for the changes and growth I continue to see in my relationships and in my life. However, I do feel like I'm a real childish bitch sometimes and that when I go running for an hour things get right-sized and I feel better and more grateful at the end of it. I bought a bike trainer (riding on the road hurts, but the monotony of the trainer seems doable) in the hopes of leveling things out.

But I also need to be here. Giving back. Finding out how all of you are doing. So maybe it's a good thing.

(...just now, I had a flash of thought: "okay god...heal me now that I'm doing the right thing..." How is it possible to still be so childish!




4 comments:

  1. Welcome back! I was so excited to see you on my blog roll today (I'll never delete...you were my first and my inspiration for blogging)!

    I'm sorry you're injured and feeling frustrated. That just plain sucks.

    Sherry

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  2. Good to see you again !~! Continual pain weakens one's desire to do anything: run, write, eat, shower... all that falls by the wayside when we are fighting for relief day and night. My heart reaches out to touch yours.

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  3. It is on! Always nice to hear from you and like Sherry said, you were I believe the first sober blog I followed and a big inspiration.

    I'm sorry to hear of your injury. Sometimes it feels like I have all my eggs in one basket and like I rely on running to keep me sober. But I have other exercise and I have blogs and writing and books and, of course, family and friends. I've toyed with the idea of going back to AA and even if I don't follow through, knowing it is there is comforting.

    Running is the fastest acting, most powerful drug to whip my mood back in shape, but I am finding other ones that work too. It doesn't sound to me like you're being childish at all and I hope you find your peace.

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  4. Sorry to hear of your injury. I ran for 35 years of my life (!) and didn't realize how it kept anxiety at bay until I was sidelined. You can get through this!! And when you are able to run again, it will be with profound appreciation. I hope that is soon :)

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